Microsoft marketing algorithm.

[gaf at zk3.dec.com (Jerry Feldman)]

/*
 * Microsoft marketing algorithm.
 */
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x)                       lie(x)
#define computeruser                 ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year                    soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version


void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);

    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }

  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware = TRUE;
      break;
     }
  }

  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
       say("It will be ready in", today + 30_days, " we're just
testing");
       break;

     case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       pretend(there_is_no_problem);
       break;

     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
           " the 32 bits architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memory chip plant"
          "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       break;

     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
       when(time_is_ripe)
       {
         arrest(journalist);
         brainwash(journalist);
         when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
         {
           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
           release (journalist);
         }
       }
       break;
  }

  while (vapourware)
  {
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
     say("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);
  }

  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);

    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
      }
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
at us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
  buy(nice_little_island);
  hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
   
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge(a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
  }
}

-- 
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
Jerry Feldman            Digital Unix Development Environment
Digital Equipment Corp.  (work)gaf at zk3.dec.com (home)gaf at highway1.com
110 Spitbrook Rd.        Mailstop: ZKO3-2/W17
Nashua, NH 03062-9987    (603)881-2970, DTN:381-2970
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+